Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Wreckage

Some people said, "all your fears are the creation of your doubtful mind, little faith and insecurities." Fear is only in the mind. But why it is so disturbing, painful and even make you cry? Who can understand your fear? Who will eliminate the undesirable feeling?

I've been with so many broken hearts. These made me feel so insecure every time I sense a threat. It is so tiring and disturbing. I know, no one could understand me. Many times, I've been confident to many people whom I thought I could trust with. Once, my whole month salary was taken because I let someone to get it for me. But it turns out that it will just loss like how the person I treated friend is gone. Once, I broke a friendship because of my confidence to the people whom I thought I could confide with. I lost the trust of the only person whom I considered a sister because of one person, I overly trusted, then it turns out to be like a sleeping snake. What else should I loss before I could be happy?

Fear. Why I am so afraid again? One of my friend told me about her pain over her husband having an appear with other woman. She cried to me all the pain. And I told her to divert her mind to some other things that can make her forget. Divert your mind. Wow! it is easy to say but it is very hard to do. Why it is hard for me to apply it to myself now? Where is the tough being I have? It is really easy to say than done. But I need to be strong. There are still many things awaiting ahead of me. I should not be fear.

Lord, I know you put this fear in my heart for a reason. Maybe I could not understand it right now, but I only give my trust in you. My sweet Jesus, please help me. Please heal my broken heart, and give me confidence again to laugh, to trust and to smile. I am so afraid Lord. Please give me strenght to face any challenge of my life. I am so afraid. Maybe, I have a little faith. Please forgive me. Take all the wreckage of bad memories that tried to make me restless and blue. I am so tired and I don't want to cry anymore. I am in a dept of sorrow and in the ocean of loneliness. I feel so alone. But if these things can help me to grow and over come the fear, please make me strong. I can do nothing without you. It's hard to be alone Lord, where no one could hear my sorrow. But I know, you are just there to listen my moaning. Please comfort me with your mercy and love. I could not stand it alone. I need you Jesus.

I know, in this new chapter of my life. There are more things that I could expect with; maybe of joy, or sadness, and or real smile which no fear hiding behind every giggle. Whatever, please prepare me so that I can endure it, until the very day that no more tears to flow because You wipe it. I also know that this fear inside me is a destroying thought. I should not cherish it, but I rather fight it.

In this world, I didn't find any person that I could share my fear and pain. For if I do sharing it, some would be hurt. And these very hard for me. However, having you God in my life is the most precious truth that made me smile in the midst of doubts and tears. You are my oasis of peace, love and confidence. I trust in you. I give my life to you. Whatever your purpose in my life, here I am Lord. I love you so much, and please help me to obey and trust to only you. Amen