Butterfly Kisses

While everyone is trying to learn what a butterfly kisses really meant, yet in my personal opinion this phrase describes about an overwhelming feelings of love and happiness. For me this term states that something wonderfully happened in the life of a person. For the others it could have a literal meaning, which is by putting an eyelashes to a person's cheek and flutter it. It is also a song title written by Bob Carlisle that he dedicated to her daughter.

However, one or the other, this words butterfly kisses is a hyperbole that I usually used when my husband and I feel happy for a certain thing, especially after we knew that we could have our butterfly, Mayah Wren. There is no exact word to describe how happy we were, but just saying, “what a butterfly kisses.”

This certain figure of speech is such an exaggeration of our feelings in our life together. Since the day that we backed together there was always a fluttering feelings inside us that running up and down in our being. There such a wonderful feelings when we are together, and that it seems there is no more problem to come. Butterfly kisses is the same when someone said, “I am in the cloud nine.”

During those days that we were side by side; laughing and smiling are always in the atmosphere in our own small world. Every word or action that we done was already a big thing for us to be happy. Imitating the TV ads for me, or acting like someone else while me too riding to his game in our private place. I am amazed on him acted like one in the rexona body spray ads. He sprayed his body, and looked up to heaven waiting for an angel falling down. And that was me fell on bed acted like a fairy or angel who had been mesmerized to the rexona scent. What a butterfly kisses.

By the time that we knew I conceived Mayah Wren, we don't able to stop ourselves to cry, not because we are sad. But it was because we are overly happy with the gift we got from our good Lord. Mike was more than excited, and that he bought Mayah an earring with her birthstone. We talked about her on how she would be looked like. Mike wants her to have a resemblance on me, but me wants her to be me and him. A mixed of Mike and Nila.

Lots of instances that we always feel the butterfly kisses in our heart. Every second of our lives that passed by, seems to us a year already of important memories that we can treasure. We never give a chance any bad mood to ruin our joy. Our love for each other was always giving us an atmosphere with different kinds of butterflies in the air.

How Joy Counterparts Pain

I never thought any pain after the happiness that my husband and I felt every moment of our lives. But we lost Mayah Wren after two months. That was horrible for me. I felt hopeless for another Mayah to come in our lives, not knowing why I feel that way. Yet, here's my husband, a cheerful person tried to make me smile and said, “Let's keep practicing. We can still have more fun.” Mike is the joy of my heart. My inspiration, cheerer, an angel and a bestfriend whom God gave to me. And I said, “Well, yeah in His will.”

Holding on to the hopes that my husband gave me, I was always excited for every thing to come in our lives. Yet, if how much the joy I felt like in a pedestal is the same amount of pain I got, when another pain struck to our lives. My best friend went home with God. There is no more butterfly kisses to feel without them in my life. My butterfly kisses are gone.

Now, I understand why I was so sad when I lost Mayah Wren. However, God knows the best. Whatever His reason why He took Mayah first before her father, I don't want to question anything. For sure, its all for my sake. With the situation I got right now, or maybe next time. I can never tell.

There are lots of beautiful memories that Mike and I had together. They are the butterfly kisses that I will treasure in my heart forever. I maybe physically alone, but in my heart they are just right there looking at me. Picturing beyond the horizon, I can see Mayah and her father playing together in heaven. They are walking hand in hand just waiting for me in the place, which Jesus prepares for His Children. And that gives me a butterfly kisses.

Our First Time Ever, Forever In My Heart

June 16, 2010 (June 16) it was an exciting day for us. When that day was still coming, we both excited and counting the days or nights, hour, minute and second. We felt like days pass very slow, but alas! We had that day. At the airport of Cebu Mactan International Airport midnight. That was our first meeting ever after ten years.

I remember, I was so nervous because most of the passengers are already gone, and him not coming out yet. I was so scared because in my mind, he was running away again from me.(smile). So, I called Patricia if really her Dad was on that plane. And she said, yeah just wait. So, embarrassing. But it takes almost an hour before he came out. And so I told God, “Oh, good Lord not again please. I might not handle the situation anymore if he do it again.” I was so paranoid. But here at last he came out. Wearing with his cowboy hat, boots, black long sleeve. I was so excited that made me cry when I look at him. We’ve kiss but just a smack kiss, and he pressed my left shoulder. And just that and it made me surprise with his reaction. I thought he changed his mind because it seems, he was doubt or hesitant. We ride a taxi went to GV tower hotel, not talking, very silent but with hands clasped together. In my mind, I was almost crying because I was really thought, he changed his mind. When we got to the hotel, he got his medicine bag, and took it without saying anything. And it really made me almost burst into crying. But after his medicine he asked me, “Now, have you changed your mind?” I was surprise with his question because, it is the question that I wanted to ask him even when we were still in the taxi. And I said, oh no, I never never change my mind, Mike. That was my abrupt answer to him.

We were so happy that it never came to our mind about the possible things that might happen to him or me. Him is always careful of me not to be hurt. When riding a car or come cross the street, he always hold me not to be hurt or whatever, especially that honestly am so scared to cross a street. Don’t know how even I know the traffic light signal. And I was or am so careful on him also. We are careful to each other.

I dream last night, and in my dream I called his phone. But there was a cross line, a guy answer on the other line. I was so mad and ask him to put down the other line. But that guy was keep on talking so I decided to put my phone down and called Mike again. Yet, Mike was not there anymore. I just had his answering machine telling me, “Hi, this is Mike Sullivan, I can’t answer the phone right now, but if you leave you name and phone number, I will call you back.” I leave a message for him how much I love and miss him so much. And the rest was crying. I told him that because of the cross line, I missed him on the phone. And telling him sorry a lot, and blaming the cross line.

I don’t know was that dream means. But maybe he heard and saw me crying but because of the separation of the other dimension and the place where I am, we could never talk again. My heart asking for impossible things, and my eyes not ever dried to beg. But one thing that comforted me. At least he is happy now with God.

Our happiest moment together will always be treasured in my heart forever. He’s a good man, a good husband, brother, son and a father. Happy Father’s Day Love. I love you.







 

When God Made You

Its been a year since Mike traveled fifteen thousand miles to see me, and tried to bring me to his place. He never complain how hard it was for him to just sit down in a long airplane ride. He did it with a big smile, as if he conquered the tallest mountain in the world. Against all odds, we did it.

June 18, 2010 that was Friday, the feast that changed our lives together has started. Everything has been prepared such as the paper works, reception and entourage for a simple but with extra ordinary wedding banquet. People involved were busy and ready for a trip going to a place, we've chosen for that special moment. Jovially, we traveled from south to north of Cebu, Philippines for our day to come. June 19, 2010 was the final day of our waiting.
Thrilled with that very day, I never get enough to make myself believe that finally I married the man I've loved for a decade. I wasn't convinced until Pastor Samuel Geroy, with the authority bestowed on him, pronounced us as husband and wife. We promised to love and care to each other before God, the earth, my family and friends. The ocean was so calm, the breeze was cool and a smiling bright sun done their job perfectly, as if they were told by God to be happy for us. Everyone who was there witnessing our moment were so happy too. No one is crying, but just have a big smile except me. I wonder why I cried, but only one thing I am sure enough was that, I was so happy.
Sometimes, when I look back where everything seems impossible for us to be together again, I can see that certainly God made a way for us. Maybe, there were circumstances that might hurt others, but we could not understand God's plan. He has different plan for everybody. A plan that is beyond from human understanding. Imagining those days that we're uncertain with our future, I had a hard time in over coming those emptiness, while Mike struggling to balance his life. I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen me ahead of time?

On our wedding day, we were both happy, unaware on the biggest trial to come in our lives. Our wedding pictures, even those post wedding pictures showed perfect happiness that are too obvious in our smile. Everything was abruptly happened that even me and Mike was surprised. We could never think how things done as if we never do anything to help it. It was flawless, and a true love in a perfect timing.

Our Life Together

Because we came from different side of the world, and due to political system of the country we came from, it is hard for us to be together right away. He needs to get home to start the procedures to bring me with him. However, distance is not a hindrance for us to be in each other. We were very much together regardless of the fifteen thousand miles apart. The high tech communication channel such as Skype video bridge our opposite world. We've seen each other everyday until his surprise returned to Philippines.

Yeah, he is so sweet that even his visit again, he never told me, but just arrive. We spent our first Christmas together, his birthday, my birthday, Valentines day, and the anniversary of our love in a second time around. Yet, time is without mercy. He needs to leave again because of a problem that he must be home. We both crying because of that. He really wants to bring me home, but it was not our control. I don't know why? I could not find the answer why, he needs to be home to the state, and even to God without me. It was so hard for us to be apart again. But he promised me that after these, he will never leave me anymore.

Now, its our Wedding Anniversary. Should I be happy or just pretending as if nothing happen? I could even not able to mention the word about where he is now. My mind knew the truth but my heart is denying it. It is so difficult to understand with a grieving heart.

My husband is loving me unselfishly. He done everything to make me happy. I saw it. I saw how he made it sure that I know that he loves me so much. His everyday line is like “Have I told you today that I love you?” He never miss a day not to mention that line. And I know he doesn't want to leave me, but God is in control of everything. He knew the best for us. When Mike loves me unconditionally, why I am too selfish to let him be perfectly happy with God. Why I am selfish?

I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen about me? Does Jesus cares for me? God my heart is breaking. Can you please fix it? When God made Mike, surely he created me for him too.

Storm Over The Rainbow

Whosover think for the things you do not want to happen? Especially when you are in the peak of excitement, or happines that you and your behalf will be together at last, after many days or nights longing to be in each others arms. The only thing that we wish is to be side by side, together resolving problesm that might come, or hand in hand facing any strom to come. We don't wish for richness, but only God to lead us to have, maybe not a perfect home, but a family whom Jesus is the foundation.

Right now, I know and laready understand why this thing happened between me and my husband, but my heart is struggling to realize it. anyone could blame me if my heart denyiing it? I never expect things like this. We both are excited with the day of my arrival to his own place. He is or was excited to show me his way of living, his beautiful place with beautiful people he lived with.

Looking back, we were so amazed with things happened to our lives. It was seems unbelievable for us that after so many years of waiting and wanting each other, love moves for us with the blessing of our Almighty God. we were so happy that it seems only me and him exisiting in this world. We don't mind what other may thing or say about our extra sweetness, and vocal on what we felt for each other. He loves me. I love him. We love each other unconditionally.

When we are together. everyone seems looking at us, because they saw how love is too obvious in our faces. We don't see ugly things in our surrounding. Always are beautiful to us. Rain seems sunshine, and night is like a day. There are no storms, just rainbows. No dark sky, but with stars hanging to shine our world. Only lovely things we have seen through a colorful sky in our own small world, not until the storm comes across the rainbow.

Everything has changed. The world is so dark, except a lit shines at the end of the tunnel. It is the light of God assured me to follow it, and be out from this dark world.

The storm is over the rainbow. It covers its beautiful colors of red, or orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet? What a beautiful spectrum of colors that suddenly vanish because on a kind of storm. But storm is so natural. God controls it. He let it to happen to renew the beauty of the earth. Is God wants to renew me also? Who can ask Him, when you knew that He will never be mistaken, or if you know that He is a perfect God? There is always a purpose that I might not have seen it right now. Yet, ahead of time there is a light at the end of the darkness.
It is a strong storm that covers our rainbow. Colors are become black that seems no bright reflection at all. Sun was hidden, even the stars in the night are nowhere. My heart is so pale, and grieving even I know, everything is temporary. I never know when our rainbow will come again. God is just watching me, with my husband looking down at me too. God know when to stop my tears, and it comfort me somehow that my beloved behalf is perfectly happy with him. Happiness that no one can give, even me but God. His arms are wide open accepting Mike in heaven. How my heart aches when I know he is in the perfect place? Am I too selfish?

Time heals, and am willing to wait that moment when God make my heart happy again. If when He will let my heart sings again, or to see that beautiful rainbow with an awe of His greatness. Let my heart mourning, just I let the storm passes through my sky. Let my tears rain just when the sky waters the dry land. After this storm over our rainbow, beautiful sky ways will appear in the wilderness.

God understands everything that happened to me, yet my heart is too broken to accept the reality. But He will mend it, through His grace and mercy. No one can tell, just Him to when to stop the storm over the rainbow that me and my husband had. No one can tell. God bless.

Never Ask Diamond Nor Gold

Surely you heard the song,”Billionaire” by Mars Bruno. In the Philippines, it is very popular and everyone loves it, even me. The beat is good though there are words which inappropriate to listen, especially with the kids. It says how being a billionaire can do in human's life. But what I like this rap song is that, it is easy to hum or easy to remember.


Every time I sing the first line that says, “I wanna be a billionaire”, my husband will say, “Too bad you already married on me.” and we just laugh together. I told him many times that I don't want to be rich. It is enough for me that we will be together in many years, with God as the head of our family. We just really want a simple life together. We both knew that.

One day when the tornado hit Arkansas, he asked me about what shall I do, if this kind of disaster hit his house. My response was that, I want you to be alive when that tornado comes to our home. Tornado can take anything we had, anything and everything but not you. Its only materials and we can have it again with God's grace and mercy. The end of the materials is not the end of our lives. He smiled at me, and says how much he loves me, and I told him he is more than anything to me. I added to our conversation about, “All things work together for good (Romans 8:28).” Besides, I used to have a very simple life. Using firewood for cooking, laying down in a hard floor and using kerosene lamp at night. All my concern is him. He never experience the life I had. Its my husband who changed my way of living, though I keep my feet on the ground.

Sometimes, he shared with me his worries about the government shut down in the US. He ask my opinion what to do, and I told him that I will cry in front of the VA to keep his medicine, and I will work hard for us. If we can have Mayah Wren, that's the name that we are preparing for a daughter if we can have, Mayah Wren Sullivan (MWS). We agreed that he's the one to watch her, while I am at work. And I will just ready anything she and him needed. Marcus William Sullivan (MWS) our other son can also help him to watch the baby. That was so funny, we already talked about any possibility, but never about his going home with God.

Mike Wayne Sullivan (MWS), a man with honor, and with humble spirit. He always ask me what I want, but I always answer him nothing, but him to be by my side. I never asked him diamond nor gold, but knowing my husband, he is always providing any thing he thought I needed. He always surprise me, by buying something, I never ask. He even asked my friends to check what I needed, because I never told him what it is. He only want the best for me, no matter how hard maybe for him to do. There is no other man like him anymore.

If God give me a chance to choose between richness, or citizenship or my husband. God knew that I will choose my husband. That's why there is no option given because His plan is to finally bring my husband home, and make him happy forever. Yeah, we are happy together but problems are still there bothering us.

I never ask diamond nor gold, but my husband gave that to me, before I know I have it already. He is a good provider. He always see to it that his loved ones has everything to eat, to use and all. He never been selfish, because he always thought the best for everyone he loves.

My Love, I could never found an exact word to say who you are, and what I am to you. But as always, You are
the man that I will treasure in my heart forever. You're the best father, husband and a friend.

Keep Watch On Your Valuable Belongings

My Husband is an observant person. He sees a lot of things surrounded us. He even sees something in my personality, either he likes it or not. He never says anything, except about his love for me, and how much he likes me the way I am.


Being a sensitive and inquisitive person, he even noticed that all taxicle in my province Bohol, bearing words about God. He said that he never seen a taxicle that does not printed with Bible verses and phrases about God. But he added by saying, “Drivers seems religious to think that way, but sometimes they drive even under the influence of alcohol.” My husband is so funny, but it is true, sometimes. That thing is invisible to me. I never noticed that, even I grew up in Bohol, my province. I overlooked those things, but not with Mike. Taxicle anyway is the means of transportation anywhere in Bohol. It is a motorcycle attached with a cab, where only 2 or 3 persons can ride.

But my story is not all about taxicle. Its only a notion that I want to give to you about how my husband is so observant of everything, from small to big thing. He is such a brilliant man. He is alert and wants to know everything like why, where, who, what and how. He can be a good writer though.

One day when we were in Tagbilaran City, the only city of Bohol, Philippines, we ate our breakfast in our favorite fast food chain, MC Donald. And while waiting for our order he unexpectedly told me like, “Mmmm, so I will keep watch on you.” I was surprised and asked what? And he pointed to me that reminders written on the wall that says, “Please keep watch on your valuable belongings. He added and hold my hands saying that I am his valuable belongings that he should keep watching on me, in every way and situation. That is so sweet to my husband that it made me cry. He told me not to cry because people might think, he hurts me. But that is not what they could see, because we held our hands together firmly.

Maybe, my husband is not physically with me anymore, but I know he just watching me. That's his promise to me that he will keep watching me in every ways and situation. He knew that I am right now in a very hard or difficult situation. However, remembering his words that he will watch me is a comforting truth. I cling to that promise and I know it is true. Added to that I know that God and him is talking about me. And God will never forsake me. He loves and hugs those people with a broken heart.

Right now am still grieving and tears keep falling from my eyes. I don't know until when, but like what cousin Chris Heitzman (first cousin of my husband) said. It will stop when God says, “okay that's enough.” Wow, what a nice statement from another person who cares and understand my situation.

God is good all the time. And he comforted me in so many ways. He said, “All things work together for good. Romans 8:28. He protects me from risk while I am so down and depress. He provides people to stand for me, through the family of my husband, friends, my family and my friends too. They're blessings to me.

Moreover, before anything else happen, God told Mike to tell me, and assures me that God and him will keep watching me, because I am a valuable belongings to God and to my husband. I am more than a sparrow and anything in this world. It is a comforting truth that gives me inspiration to live on and be strong, in the midst of my weaknesses. God is so good to me. And my husband's love for me is so real, regardless of who I am. With all my heart and mind, Thank you so much Lord, with your merciful love, and the opportunity you gave for me and Mike. Its more than anything I have in my life, and in this world.

Please keep watch on your valuable belongings. A phrase that I hope other people will also apply to their every walk of life. In such a way, you can tell your loved ones, how valuable they are to you. Before it might be too late, let them know.