Butterfly Kisses

While everyone is trying to learn what a butterfly kisses really meant, yet in my personal opinion this phrase describes about an overwhelming feelings of love and happiness. For me this term states that something wonderfully happened in the life of a person. For the others it could have a literal meaning, which is by putting an eyelashes to a person's cheek and flutter it. It is also a song title written by Bob Carlisle that he dedicated to her daughter.

However, one or the other, this words butterfly kisses is a hyperbole that I usually used when my husband and I feel happy for a certain thing, especially after we knew that we could have our butterfly, Mayah Wren. There is no exact word to describe how happy we were, but just saying, “what a butterfly kisses.”

This certain figure of speech is such an exaggeration of our feelings in our life together. Since the day that we backed together there was always a fluttering feelings inside us that running up and down in our being. There such a wonderful feelings when we are together, and that it seems there is no more problem to come. Butterfly kisses is the same when someone said, “I am in the cloud nine.”

During those days that we were side by side; laughing and smiling are always in the atmosphere in our own small world. Every word or action that we done was already a big thing for us to be happy. Imitating the TV ads for me, or acting like someone else while me too riding to his game in our private place. I am amazed on him acted like one in the rexona body spray ads. He sprayed his body, and looked up to heaven waiting for an angel falling down. And that was me fell on bed acted like a fairy or angel who had been mesmerized to the rexona scent. What a butterfly kisses.

By the time that we knew I conceived Mayah Wren, we don't able to stop ourselves to cry, not because we are sad. But it was because we are overly happy with the gift we got from our good Lord. Mike was more than excited, and that he bought Mayah an earring with her birthstone. We talked about her on how she would be looked like. Mike wants her to have a resemblance on me, but me wants her to be me and him. A mixed of Mike and Nila.

Lots of instances that we always feel the butterfly kisses in our heart. Every second of our lives that passed by, seems to us a year already of important memories that we can treasure. We never give a chance any bad mood to ruin our joy. Our love for each other was always giving us an atmosphere with different kinds of butterflies in the air.

How Joy Counterparts Pain

I never thought any pain after the happiness that my husband and I felt every moment of our lives. But we lost Mayah Wren after two months. That was horrible for me. I felt hopeless for another Mayah to come in our lives, not knowing why I feel that way. Yet, here's my husband, a cheerful person tried to make me smile and said, “Let's keep practicing. We can still have more fun.” Mike is the joy of my heart. My inspiration, cheerer, an angel and a bestfriend whom God gave to me. And I said, “Well, yeah in His will.”

Holding on to the hopes that my husband gave me, I was always excited for every thing to come in our lives. Yet, if how much the joy I felt like in a pedestal is the same amount of pain I got, when another pain struck to our lives. My best friend went home with God. There is no more butterfly kisses to feel without them in my life. My butterfly kisses are gone.

Now, I understand why I was so sad when I lost Mayah Wren. However, God knows the best. Whatever His reason why He took Mayah first before her father, I don't want to question anything. For sure, its all for my sake. With the situation I got right now, or maybe next time. I can never tell.

There are lots of beautiful memories that Mike and I had together. They are the butterfly kisses that I will treasure in my heart forever. I maybe physically alone, but in my heart they are just right there looking at me. Picturing beyond the horizon, I can see Mayah and her father playing together in heaven. They are walking hand in hand just waiting for me in the place, which Jesus prepares for His Children. And that gives me a butterfly kisses.

Our First Time Ever, Forever In My Heart

June 16, 2010 (June 16) it was an exciting day for us. When that day was still coming, we both excited and counting the days or nights, hour, minute and second. We felt like days pass very slow, but alas! We had that day. At the airport of Cebu Mactan International Airport midnight. That was our first meeting ever after ten years.

I remember, I was so nervous because most of the passengers are already gone, and him not coming out yet. I was so scared because in my mind, he was running away again from me.(smile). So, I called Patricia if really her Dad was on that plane. And she said, yeah just wait. So, embarrassing. But it takes almost an hour before he came out. And so I told God, “Oh, good Lord not again please. I might not handle the situation anymore if he do it again.” I was so paranoid. But here at last he came out. Wearing with his cowboy hat, boots, black long sleeve. I was so excited that made me cry when I look at him. We’ve kiss but just a smack kiss, and he pressed my left shoulder. And just that and it made me surprise with his reaction. I thought he changed his mind because it seems, he was doubt or hesitant. We ride a taxi went to GV tower hotel, not talking, very silent but with hands clasped together. In my mind, I was almost crying because I was really thought, he changed his mind. When we got to the hotel, he got his medicine bag, and took it without saying anything. And it really made me almost burst into crying. But after his medicine he asked me, “Now, have you changed your mind?” I was surprise with his question because, it is the question that I wanted to ask him even when we were still in the taxi. And I said, oh no, I never never change my mind, Mike. That was my abrupt answer to him.

We were so happy that it never came to our mind about the possible things that might happen to him or me. Him is always careful of me not to be hurt. When riding a car or come cross the street, he always hold me not to be hurt or whatever, especially that honestly am so scared to cross a street. Don’t know how even I know the traffic light signal. And I was or am so careful on him also. We are careful to each other.

I dream last night, and in my dream I called his phone. But there was a cross line, a guy answer on the other line. I was so mad and ask him to put down the other line. But that guy was keep on talking so I decided to put my phone down and called Mike again. Yet, Mike was not there anymore. I just had his answering machine telling me, “Hi, this is Mike Sullivan, I can’t answer the phone right now, but if you leave you name and phone number, I will call you back.” I leave a message for him how much I love and miss him so much. And the rest was crying. I told him that because of the cross line, I missed him on the phone. And telling him sorry a lot, and blaming the cross line.

I don’t know was that dream means. But maybe he heard and saw me crying but because of the separation of the other dimension and the place where I am, we could never talk again. My heart asking for impossible things, and my eyes not ever dried to beg. But one thing that comforted me. At least he is happy now with God.

Our happiest moment together will always be treasured in my heart forever. He’s a good man, a good husband, brother, son and a father. Happy Father’s Day Love. I love you.







 

When God Made You

Its been a year since Mike traveled fifteen thousand miles to see me, and tried to bring me to his place. He never complain how hard it was for him to just sit down in a long airplane ride. He did it with a big smile, as if he conquered the tallest mountain in the world. Against all odds, we did it.

June 18, 2010 that was Friday, the feast that changed our lives together has started. Everything has been prepared such as the paper works, reception and entourage for a simple but with extra ordinary wedding banquet. People involved were busy and ready for a trip going to a place, we've chosen for that special moment. Jovially, we traveled from south to north of Cebu, Philippines for our day to come. June 19, 2010 was the final day of our waiting.
Thrilled with that very day, I never get enough to make myself believe that finally I married the man I've loved for a decade. I wasn't convinced until Pastor Samuel Geroy, with the authority bestowed on him, pronounced us as husband and wife. We promised to love and care to each other before God, the earth, my family and friends. The ocean was so calm, the breeze was cool and a smiling bright sun done their job perfectly, as if they were told by God to be happy for us. Everyone who was there witnessing our moment were so happy too. No one is crying, but just have a big smile except me. I wonder why I cried, but only one thing I am sure enough was that, I was so happy.
Sometimes, when I look back where everything seems impossible for us to be together again, I can see that certainly God made a way for us. Maybe, there were circumstances that might hurt others, but we could not understand God's plan. He has different plan for everybody. A plan that is beyond from human understanding. Imagining those days that we're uncertain with our future, I had a hard time in over coming those emptiness, while Mike struggling to balance his life. I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen me ahead of time?

On our wedding day, we were both happy, unaware on the biggest trial to come in our lives. Our wedding pictures, even those post wedding pictures showed perfect happiness that are too obvious in our smile. Everything was abruptly happened that even me and Mike was surprised. We could never think how things done as if we never do anything to help it. It was flawless, and a true love in a perfect timing.

Our Life Together

Because we came from different side of the world, and due to political system of the country we came from, it is hard for us to be together right away. He needs to get home to start the procedures to bring me with him. However, distance is not a hindrance for us to be in each other. We were very much together regardless of the fifteen thousand miles apart. The high tech communication channel such as Skype video bridge our opposite world. We've seen each other everyday until his surprise returned to Philippines.

Yeah, he is so sweet that even his visit again, he never told me, but just arrive. We spent our first Christmas together, his birthday, my birthday, Valentines day, and the anniversary of our love in a second time around. Yet, time is without mercy. He needs to leave again because of a problem that he must be home. We both crying because of that. He really wants to bring me home, but it was not our control. I don't know why? I could not find the answer why, he needs to be home to the state, and even to God without me. It was so hard for us to be apart again. But he promised me that after these, he will never leave me anymore.

Now, its our Wedding Anniversary. Should I be happy or just pretending as if nothing happen? I could even not able to mention the word about where he is now. My mind knew the truth but my heart is denying it. It is so difficult to understand with a grieving heart.

My husband is loving me unselfishly. He done everything to make me happy. I saw it. I saw how he made it sure that I know that he loves me so much. His everyday line is like “Have I told you today that I love you?” He never miss a day not to mention that line. And I know he doesn't want to leave me, but God is in control of everything. He knew the best for us. When Mike loves me unconditionally, why I am too selfish to let him be perfectly happy with God. Why I am selfish?

I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen about me? Does Jesus cares for me? God my heart is breaking. Can you please fix it? When God made Mike, surely he created me for him too.

All Things Work Together For Good

Few days from now would be our 1st Wedding Anniversary. Me and my husband have lots of plan about it. It would be a great event in our lives together as we thought. We count the days for that, even my coming here in his place. In my culture, counting days or planning things in advance, as if you control everything is not good. We called it “Nagbilang ng sisiw kahit itoy itlog pa, (counting chicks from an eggs. It might be true or it might not.


Many months ago, you did not hear me writing. It is because I was too occupied for my husband, rather than writing. He visited me in the Philippines, December 2010 to April 5, 2011. One time my husband asked me, “Why did you not writing articles anymore? Are you tired now?” I really do want to, but I have too many things to write that I don’t already know what comes first. I draft a lot, but nothing is finished. It was so nice to rather lay down with my husband, my head in his arms and talking lots of things, as if there is no more tomorrow. I felt like I miss him everyday, even he was just by my side.

During his stay with me, I made sure that I don’t let pass the every opportunity I got to tell him, how much I love him. I kiss him a lot and hug him tight, making sure that he really was with me. I cook him foods he likes and sometimes he did not like he he he, but he always choose to eat it, to not to hurt my feelings. He corrected my cooking, but most of the time we ate outside like in Mc Donald and other good restaurant. We really had a great time together. Very great.

We also stayed with my parents for 3 months. I knew, he almost can’t stand the climate in my place but he did for my sake, while waiting for my visa to get here in Arkansas. We prayed a lot, even some of my pastors help, to pray for the release of my visa, but time sometimes is unfair. He needs to come back without me for some serious reason. A month later, I got the visa and, I am now here in his apartment. He prepared this for me, with my dress he bought hanged in the dressing room. Our bed, my foods and everything he thought I needed.

I am now in our apartment, physically alone. My husband said goodbye with tears in his eyes. God took him already before I came. It is so sad. My heart bleeding badly. The Pain running from my sole, spine and throughout my body. It shaken me so hard. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to think, but just to cry. I don’t want to see anything. Just want to close my eyes, and yeah that made me felt better. The world is so dark. Families, friends and everyone coming and said, “It will be alright”. I know, just don’t know when.

I know how to survive, I mean I know in the other side of my mind, I can do it. Soooner I can, maybe? “God please help me” is the only thing I can think. And whispering to my heart, about how much I love my husband. I miss him terribly, but he needs to go to be free from pain. He’s hurting so much a long long time ago. God sets him free from suffering already. I know it hurts me, and to everyone that loved him, but we need to let him go with God. In heaven, he no more hurts, no more problems and no more suffering. Yeah, I should think that way. That’s the best thing for him to be truly happy. He has done things for me. He made the best thing for me already, even in the last beating of his heart. Honey, I love you so much.

In the new phase of my life, its again an adventure. I don’t know what lies ahead. But I know, God is just right here by my side. There is always light at the end of the darkness. What a lovely words from a certain song. All things work together for good to those who love God, who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) Before this thing happened, we already talked about it, that if something happens in our lives, we just think the purposes of God.

God made a way to bring me and Mike together again, and that was why our wedding on June 28, 2010 was done. Friends, pastors and families were so happy for us with that moment. I was so happy, because after 10 years that we been parted, our Lord held us together. Now, he is gone leaving me alone in this dark world. Would I say, it is still God’s plan? I will say yes, maybe I didn’t see the hint, but I know in my heart, God is too good to be mistaken. In Job 1:20, one of my favorites verses, it says how we came to this world. How God gave, and how He would take away everything. I still always praise God.

God, I love you so much. Thank you for giving Mike a place in heaven free from pains, problems and with perfect happiness. We are so happy that you held our lives together. Thank you for making me part of his life. He is the love of my life, the joy of my heart, and the very person that made my faith in you stronger. You are my Lord, the master of my fate. You know better that I am. Right now, I may in deep sorrow and pain, but I know you just here by my side. The pain is unbearable but with your blood I may heal, not instantly but I will. You are so good. All the time, you are good God.

Our first anniversary, he might not with me but in my heart, he is always will. God and him will celebrate that day with me. Honey, I miss you so much. I love you, Mike forever. I will not say goodbye, same way that you did not said goodbye on me. Never that you said goodbye on me. We will see each other my Love, in God’s time. I will take care of myself, Love because I know you do not want me to be sad and sorrow. I will be strong in the Lord.

False Alarm – Please Try Again Later

Another one of the best gifts that any woman could have from the Lord, is her ability to have a baby. It brings her happiness to see her own flesh, and to receive the bundle of joy which God has entrusted to her and her husband. Every woman should dream of giving birth either a baby boy or girl. Rarely is it that a woman would reject this opportunity, and do not want to have a baby.


After my wedding, of course, I fully expected to have a baby, especially considering my age, which is critical in the ability to get pregnant. I am older, and according to some medical explanations, a woman who is more than thirty can be experience a hard time bearing a child. What a sad theory, yet somehow Sarah, the wife of Abraham, got pregnant at the age of ninety, huh! Well, I am not saying that I am as blessed as Sarah, but then God is so merciful that He will bless His people according to His plan. Thus, having a baby despite of my age is under God’s control, and His will. Just keep on trying, (smile).

I was so excited in counting the days after my wedding since, because it was also the last day of menstruation. I was really expecting that I would get pregnant, especially since a month later I have no menstruation yet. I was VERY exited! However, it turned out I was just delayed for four or five days. I felt so sad and down when my period started. But guess what, even though I had my period, I wasn’t convinced yet that I was not really pregnant. I was still thinking that I had a baby, especially since I felt dizzy, nauseated and all the other feelings that I bear a child. I was so paranoid that time, that I even bought a pregnancy test pack. But oh! it was a negative result. Yeah, my step daughter is right. I was just stressful.

Getting pregnant is not easy, according to some experienced mothers. There are times that you will vomit, feel dizzy and other things that can be difficult for the expecting mother. My sisters told me that it is best to get pregnant when your husband is going to be there for the whole time. Patricia, my husband’s daughter told me told me the same thing. That was so comforting somehow with all my depression and frustration after knowing that I was not pregnant. Moreover, I am still, and will always be, thankful to God despite of the negative result. Maybe, its not about time yet to have a baby. Only God knows the best for me and for my husband.

“False alarm!”, that was what I called it. But I will never lose hope on my dream to have a baby. As long as you still have your monthly period, and some extra care of yourself; the possibility of getting pregnant is very much possible. Friends and some articles giving information about how to get pregnant are a good source for study, on getting into it. Such as eating the right food, proper exercise, diet and even taking pills that may protect and develop the womb to make it easier to pregnant.

Never give up your longing to have your own baby. That is the very essence of a woman. Anyhow, if you’re not able to, do not question or blame God. In everything there is a reason. If it is not meant for you to get pregnant, it’s does not mean that you are not blessed. It just means God has a different purpose for your life. He is too right to be mistaken, too good to be unkind to you.


Keep On Trying!!!