Friday, June 24, 2011

Butterfly Kisses

While everyone is trying to learn what a butterfly kisses really meant, yet in my personal opinion this phrase describes about an overwhelming feelings of love and happiness. For me this term states that something wonderfully happened in the life of a person. For the others it could have a literal meaning, which is by putting an eyelashes to a person's cheek and flutter it. It is also a song title written by Bob Carlisle that he dedicated to her daughter.

However, one or the other, this words butterfly kisses is a hyperbole that I usually used when my husband and I feel happy for a certain thing, especially after we knew that we could have our butterfly, Mayah Wren. There is no exact word to describe how happy we were, but just saying, “what a butterfly kisses.”

This certain figure of speech is such an exaggeration of our feelings in our life together. Since the day that we backed together there was always a fluttering feelings inside us that running up and down in our being. There such a wonderful feelings when we are together, and that it seems there is no more problem to come. Butterfly kisses is the same when someone said, “I am in the cloud nine.”

During those days that we were side by side; laughing and smiling are always in the atmosphere in our own small world. Every word or action that we done was already a big thing for us to be happy. Imitating the TV ads for me, or acting like someone else while me too riding to his game in our private place. I am amazed on him acted like one in the rexona body spray ads. He sprayed his body, and looked up to heaven waiting for an angel falling down. And that was me fell on bed acted like a fairy or angel who had been mesmerized to the rexona scent. What a butterfly kisses.

By the time that we knew I conceived Mayah Wren, we don't able to stop ourselves to cry, not because we are sad. But it was because we are overly happy with the gift we got from our good Lord. Mike was more than excited, and that he bought Mayah an earring with her birthstone. We talked about her on how she would be looked like. Mike wants her to have a resemblance on me, but me wants her to be me and him. A mixed of Mike and Nila.

Lots of instances that we always feel the butterfly kisses in our heart. Every second of our lives that passed by, seems to us a year already of important memories that we can treasure. We never give a chance any bad mood to ruin our joy. Our love for each other was always giving us an atmosphere with different kinds of butterflies in the air.

How Joy Counterparts Pain

I never thought any pain after the happiness that my husband and I felt every moment of our lives. But we lost Mayah Wren after two months. That was horrible for me. I felt hopeless for another Mayah to come in our lives, not knowing why I feel that way. Yet, here's my husband, a cheerful person tried to make me smile and said, “Let's keep practicing. We can still have more fun.” Mike is the joy of my heart. My inspiration, cheerer, an angel and a bestfriend whom God gave to me. And I said, “Well, yeah in His will.”

Holding on to the hopes that my husband gave me, I was always excited for every thing to come in our lives. Yet, if how much the joy I felt like in a pedestal is the same amount of pain I got, when another pain struck to our lives. My best friend went home with God. There is no more butterfly kisses to feel without them in my life. My butterfly kisses are gone.

Now, I understand why I was so sad when I lost Mayah Wren. However, God knows the best. Whatever His reason why He took Mayah first before her father, I don't want to question anything. For sure, its all for my sake. With the situation I got right now, or maybe next time. I can never tell.

There are lots of beautiful memories that Mike and I had together. They are the butterfly kisses that I will treasure in my heart forever. I maybe physically alone, but in my heart they are just right there looking at me. Picturing beyond the horizon, I can see Mayah and her father playing together in heaven. They are walking hand in hand just waiting for me in the place, which Jesus prepares for His Children. And that gives me a butterfly kisses.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Our First Time Ever, Forever In My Heart

June 16, 2010 (June 16) it was an exciting day for us. When that day was still coming, we both excited and counting the days or nights, hour, minute and second. We felt like days pass very slow, but alas! We had that day. At the airport of Cebu Mactan International Airport midnight. That was our first meeting ever after ten years.

I remember, I was so nervous because most of the passengers are already gone, and him not coming out yet. I was so scared because in my mind, he was running away again from me.(smile). So, I called Patricia if really her Dad was on that plane. And she said, yeah just wait. So, embarrassing. But it takes almost an hour before he came out. And so I told God, “Oh, good Lord not again please. I might not handle the situation anymore if he do it again.” I was so paranoid. But here at last he came out. Wearing with his cowboy hat, boots, black long sleeve. I was so excited that made me cry when I look at him. We’ve kiss but just a smack kiss, and he pressed my left shoulder. And just that and it made me surprise with his reaction. I thought he changed his mind because it seems, he was doubt or hesitant. We ride a taxi went to GV tower hotel, not talking, very silent but with hands clasped together. In my mind, I was almost crying because I was really thought, he changed his mind. When we got to the hotel, he got his medicine bag, and took it without saying anything. And it really made me almost burst into crying. But after his medicine he asked me, “Now, have you changed your mind?” I was surprise with his question because, it is the question that I wanted to ask him even when we were still in the taxi. And I said, oh no, I never never change my mind, Mike. That was my abrupt answer to him.

We were so happy that it never came to our mind about the possible things that might happen to him or me. Him is always careful of me not to be hurt. When riding a car or come cross the street, he always hold me not to be hurt or whatever, especially that honestly am so scared to cross a street. Don’t know how even I know the traffic light signal. And I was or am so careful on him also. We are careful to each other.

I dream last night, and in my dream I called his phone. But there was a cross line, a guy answer on the other line. I was so mad and ask him to put down the other line. But that guy was keep on talking so I decided to put my phone down and called Mike again. Yet, Mike was not there anymore. I just had his answering machine telling me, “Hi, this is Mike Sullivan, I can’t answer the phone right now, but if you leave you name and phone number, I will call you back.” I leave a message for him how much I love and miss him so much. And the rest was crying. I told him that because of the cross line, I missed him on the phone. And telling him sorry a lot, and blaming the cross line.

I don’t know was that dream means. But maybe he heard and saw me crying but because of the separation of the other dimension and the place where I am, we could never talk again. My heart asking for impossible things, and my eyes not ever dried to beg. But one thing that comforted me. At least he is happy now with God.

Our happiest moment together will always be treasured in my heart forever. He’s a good man, a good husband, brother, son and a father. Happy Father’s Day Love. I love you.


When God Made You

Its been a year since Mike traveled fifteen thousand miles to see me, and tried to bring me to his place. He never complain how hard it was for him to just sit down in a long airplane ride. He did it with a big smile, as if he conquered the tallest mountain in the world. Against all odds, we did it.

June 18, 2010 that was Friday, the feast that changed our lives together has started. Everything has been prepared such as the paper works, reception and entourage for a simple but with extra ordinary wedding banquet. People involved were busy and ready for a trip going to a place, we've chosen for that special moment. Jovially, we traveled from south to north of Cebu, Philippines for our day to come. June 19, 2010 was the final day of our waiting.
Thrilled with that very day, I never get enough to make myself believe that finally I married the man I've loved for a decade. I wasn't convinced until Pastor Samuel Geroy, with the authority bestowed on him, pronounced us as husband and wife. We promised to love and care to each other before God, the earth, my family and friends. The ocean was so calm, the breeze was cool and a smiling bright sun done their job perfectly, as if they were told by God to be happy for us. Everyone who was there witnessing our moment were so happy too. No one is crying, but just have a big smile except me. I wonder why I cried, but only one thing I am sure enough was that, I was so happy.
Sometimes, when I look back where everything seems impossible for us to be together again, I can see that certainly God made a way for us. Maybe, there were circumstances that might hurt others, but we could not understand God's plan. He has different plan for everybody. A plan that is beyond from human understanding. Imagining those days that we're uncertain with our future, I had a hard time in over coming those emptiness, while Mike struggling to balance his life. I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen me ahead of time?

On our wedding day, we were both happy, unaware on the biggest trial to come in our lives. Our wedding pictures, even those post wedding pictures showed perfect happiness that are too obvious in our smile. Everything was abruptly happened that even me and Mike was surprised. We could never think how things done as if we never do anything to help it. It was flawless, and a true love in a perfect timing.

Our Life Together

Because we came from different side of the world, and due to political system of the country we came from, it is hard for us to be together right away. He needs to get home to start the procedures to bring me with him. However, distance is not a hindrance for us to be in each other. We were very much together regardless of the fifteen thousand miles apart. The high tech communication channel such as Skype video bridge our opposite world. We've seen each other everyday until his surprise returned to Philippines.

Yeah, he is so sweet that even his visit again, he never told me, but just arrive. We spent our first Christmas together, his birthday, my birthday, Valentines day, and the anniversary of our love in a second time around. Yet, time is without mercy. He needs to leave again because of a problem that he must be home. We both crying because of that. He really wants to bring me home, but it was not our control. I don't know why? I could not find the answer why, he needs to be home to the state, and even to God without me. It was so hard for us to be apart again. But he promised me that after these, he will never leave me anymore.

Now, its our Wedding Anniversary. Should I be happy or just pretending as if nothing happen? I could even not able to mention the word about where he is now. My mind knew the truth but my heart is denying it. It is so difficult to understand with a grieving heart.

My husband is loving me unselfishly. He done everything to make me happy. I saw it. I saw how he made it sure that I know that he loves me so much. His everyday line is like “Have I told you today that I love you?” He never miss a day not to mention that line. And I know he doesn't want to leave me, but God is in control of everything. He knew the best for us. When Mike loves me unconditionally, why I am too selfish to let him be perfectly happy with God. Why I am selfish?

I wonder when God made Mike, was He seen about me? Does Jesus cares for me? God my heart is breaking. Can you please fix it? When God made Mike, surely he created me for him too.

Storm Over The Rainbow

Whosover think for the things you do not want to happen? Especially when you are in the peak of excitement, or happines that you and your behalf will be together at last, after many days or nights longing to be in each others arms. The only thing that we wish is to be side by side, together resolving problesm that might come, or hand in hand facing any strom to come. We don't wish for richness, but only God to lead us to have, maybe not a perfect home, but a family whom Jesus is the foundation.

Right now, I know and laready understand why this thing happened between me and my husband, but my heart is struggling to realize it. anyone could blame me if my heart denyiing it? I never expect things like this. We both are excited with the day of my arrival to his own place. He is or was excited to show me his way of living, his beautiful place with beautiful people he lived with.

Looking back, we were so amazed with things happened to our lives. It was seems unbelievable for us that after so many years of waiting and wanting each other, love moves for us with the blessing of our Almighty God. we were so happy that it seems only me and him exisiting in this world. We don't mind what other may thing or say about our extra sweetness, and vocal on what we felt for each other. He loves me. I love him. We love each other unconditionally.

When we are together. everyone seems looking at us, because they saw how love is too obvious in our faces. We don't see ugly things in our surrounding. Always are beautiful to us. Rain seems sunshine, and night is like a day. There are no storms, just rainbows. No dark sky, but with stars hanging to shine our world. Only lovely things we have seen through a colorful sky in our own small world, not until the storm comes across the rainbow.

Everything has changed. The world is so dark, except a lit shines at the end of the tunnel. It is the light of God assured me to follow it, and be out from this dark world.

The storm is over the rainbow. It covers its beautiful colors of red, or orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet? What a beautiful spectrum of colors that suddenly vanish because on a kind of storm. But storm is so natural. God controls it. He let it to happen to renew the beauty of the earth. Is God wants to renew me also? Who can ask Him, when you knew that He will never be mistaken, or if you know that He is a perfect God? There is always a purpose that I might not have seen it right now. Yet, ahead of time there is a light at the end of the darkness.
It is a strong storm that covers our rainbow. Colors are become black that seems no bright reflection at all. Sun was hidden, even the stars in the night are nowhere. My heart is so pale, and grieving even I know, everything is temporary. I never know when our rainbow will come again. God is just watching me, with my husband looking down at me too. God know when to stop my tears, and it comfort me somehow that my beloved behalf is perfectly happy with him. Happiness that no one can give, even me but God. His arms are wide open accepting Mike in heaven. How my heart aches when I know he is in the perfect place? Am I too selfish?

Time heals, and am willing to wait that moment when God make my heart happy again. If when He will let my heart sings again, or to see that beautiful rainbow with an awe of His greatness. Let my heart mourning, just I let the storm passes through my sky. Let my tears rain just when the sky waters the dry land. After this storm over our rainbow, beautiful sky ways will appear in the wilderness.

God understands everything that happened to me, yet my heart is too broken to accept the reality. But He will mend it, through His grace and mercy. No one can tell, just Him to when to stop the storm over the rainbow that me and my husband had. No one can tell. God bless.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Never Ask Diamond Nor Gold

Surely you heard the song,”Billionaire” by Mars Bruno. In the Philippines, it is very popular and everyone loves it, even me. The beat is good though there are words which inappropriate to listen, especially with the kids. It says how being a billionaire can do in human's life. But what I like this rap song is that, it is easy to hum or easy to remember.

Every time I sing the first line that says, “I wanna be a billionaire”, my husband will say, “Too bad you already married on me.” and we just laugh together. I told him many times that I don't want to be rich. It is enough for me that we will be together in many years, with God as the head of our family. We just really want a simple life together. We both knew that.

One day when the tornado hit Arkansas, he asked me about what shall I do, if this kind of disaster hit his house. My response was that, I want you to be alive when that tornado comes to our home. Tornado can take anything we had, anything and everything but not you. Its only materials and we can have it again with God's grace and mercy. The end of the materials is not the end of our lives. He smiled at me, and says how much he loves me, and I told him he is more than anything to me. I added to our conversation about, “All things work together for good (Romans 8:28).” Besides, I used to have a very simple life. Using firewood for cooking, laying down in a hard floor and using kerosene lamp at night. All my concern is him. He never experience the life I had. Its my husband who changed my way of living, though I keep my feet on the ground.

Sometimes, he shared with me his worries about the government shut down in the US. He ask my opinion what to do, and I told him that I will cry in front of the VA to keep his medicine, and I will work hard for us. If we can have Mayah Wren, that's the name that we are preparing for a daughter if we can have, Mayah Wren Sullivan (MWS). We agreed that he's the one to watch her, while I am at work. And I will just ready anything she and him needed. Marcus William Sullivan (MWS) our other son can also help him to watch the baby. That was so funny, we already talked about any possibility, but never about his going home with God.

Mike Wayne Sullivan (MWS), a man with honor, and with humble spirit. He always ask me what I want, but I always answer him nothing, but him to be by my side. I never asked him diamond nor gold, but knowing my husband, he is always providing any thing he thought I needed. He always surprise me, by buying something, I never ask. He even asked my friends to check what I needed, because I never told him what it is. He only want the best for me, no matter how hard maybe for him to do. There is no other man like him anymore.

If God give me a chance to choose between richness, or citizenship or my husband. God knew that I will choose my husband. That's why there is no option given because His plan is to finally bring my husband home, and make him happy forever. Yeah, we are happy together but problems are still there bothering us.

I never ask diamond nor gold, but my husband gave that to me, before I know I have it already. He is a good provider. He always see to it that his loved ones has everything to eat, to use and all. He never been selfish, because he always thought the best for everyone he loves.

My Love, I could never found an exact word to say who you are, and what I am to you. But as always, You are
the man that I will treasure in my heart forever. You're the best father, husband and a friend.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Keep Watch On Your Valuable Belongings

My Husband is an observant person. He sees a lot of things surrounded us. He even sees something in my personality, either he likes it or not. He never says anything, except about his love for me, and how much he likes me the way I am.

Being a sensitive and inquisitive person, he even noticed that all taxicle in my province Bohol, bearing words about God. He said that he never seen a taxicle that does not printed with Bible verses and phrases about God. But he added by saying, “Drivers seems religious to think that way, but sometimes they drive even under the influence of alcohol.” My husband is so funny, but it is true, sometimes. That thing is invisible to me. I never noticed that, even I grew up in Bohol, my province. I overlooked those things, but not with Mike. Taxicle anyway is the means of transportation anywhere in Bohol. It is a motorcycle attached with a cab, where only 2 or 3 persons can ride.

But my story is not all about taxicle. Its only a notion that I want to give to you about how my husband is so observant of everything, from small to big thing. He is such a brilliant man. He is alert and wants to know everything like why, where, who, what and how. He can be a good writer though.

One day when we were in Tagbilaran City, the only city of Bohol, Philippines, we ate our breakfast in our favorite fast food chain, MC Donald. And while waiting for our order he unexpectedly told me like, “Mmmm, so I will keep watch on you.” I was surprised and asked what? And he pointed to me that reminders written on the wall that says, “Please keep watch on your valuable belongings. He added and hold my hands saying that I am his valuable belongings that he should keep watching on me, in every way and situation. That is so sweet to my husband that it made me cry. He told me not to cry because people might think, he hurts me. But that is not what they could see, because we held our hands together firmly.

Maybe, my husband is not physically with me anymore, but I know he just watching me. That's his promise to me that he will keep watching me in every ways and situation. He knew that I am right now in a very hard or difficult situation. However, remembering his words that he will watch me is a comforting truth. I cling to that promise and I know it is true. Added to that I know that God and him is talking about me. And God will never forsake me. He loves and hugs those people with a broken heart.

Right now am still grieving and tears keep falling from my eyes. I don't know until when, but like what cousin Chris Heitzman (first cousin of my husband) said. It will stop when God says, “okay that's enough.” Wow, what a nice statement from another person who cares and understand my situation.

God is good all the time. And he comforted me in so many ways. He said, “All things work together for good. Romans 8:28. He protects me from risk while I am so down and depress. He provides people to stand for me, through the family of my husband, friends, my family and my friends too. They're blessings to me.

Moreover, before anything else happen, God told Mike to tell me, and assures me that God and him will keep watching me, because I am a valuable belongings to God and to my husband. I am more than a sparrow and anything in this world. It is a comforting truth that gives me inspiration to live on and be strong, in the midst of my weaknesses. God is so good to me. And my husband's love for me is so real, regardless of who I am. With all my heart and mind, Thank you so much Lord, with your merciful love, and the opportunity you gave for me and Mike. Its more than anything I have in my life, and in this world.

Please keep watch on your valuable belongings. A phrase that I hope other people will also apply to their every walk of life. In such a way, you can tell your loved ones, how valuable they are to you. Before it might be too late, let them know.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Song Shows His Tears For Me

My husband and I were very fan on music. Every music we play or we like has a meaning for each of us, especially when it reflects to our feelings for each other. A week before everything had happened, I gave him the music of love that shows my devotion for him such as, Cherish the Treasure and When God Made You. These are wonderful music that tells him how much thankful and amaze I am when he came into my life. He just smile and asked if I love him. And I said, “Yes, too much.” He asked again why?, and I said ‘ I don’t know. I just know I love you so much. And he said, “ goodnight baby.” I need to sleep. He fly a kiss for me even on the video Skype, and sleep. Kissing through video Skype is what we always do.

A night before he admitted, we had a talked about everything such reminiscing our days when we back together, the moment that we’re together and the exciting future that we would have, especially the coming of our first wedding anniversary. He plan everything like we gonna eat in a fine dining restaurant for that day or maybe in a cruiser. He also told me that he gonna throw a party for my home. Even Pat the girl next door was excited for that announcement. We were so excited.

After a little while on that same night, he played a song. At first I don’t understand because it is somewhat a rock music. Somewhat noisy to listen for me, since I have less interest on such kind of play. However, it is not about the beating of the music that my husband wants to share on me, but its meaning and its intention to show his feelings for me. It is the Cherry Pie song. I asked him, “My Love what music is that? I don’t like its beating, its noisy.” and he said with excitement. “That’s about you. That’s all about you on how a grown man like me cry for you.” I felt sorry why I don’t understand the song. And I just said, thank you my Love. I love you so much, and he said. I love you too.

The music that he played shows his tears for me. Yeah, he really wants me to know how much he loves me. And I believe on him, even without playing that song. But he always make it sure that he expresses his feelings in any ways specifically in music. Here’s the lyrics of Cherry Pie song that I want to share to you too

Cherry Pie lyrics
Songwriters: Turner, E; Cagle, J; Chamberlin, S; Dixon, J; Lane, J;

Dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkin’
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
Taste so good make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie, yeah


Well, swingin’ on the front porch, swingin’ on the lawn
Swingin’ where we want ’cause there ain’t nobody home
Swingin’ to the left and swingin’ to the right
I think about baseball, swing all night, yeah
Yeah, yeah

Huh, swingin’ in the livin’ room, swingin’ in the kitchen
Most folks don’t ’cause they’re too busy bitchin’
Swingin’ in there ’cause she wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter and she licked the beater

I scream, you scream we all scream for her
Don’t even try ’cause you can’t ignore her
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good make a grown man cry

Sweet cherry pie, oh yeah
She’s my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Looks so good bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie, yeah

Swingin’ to the drums, swingin’ to guitar
Swingin’ to the bass in the back of my car
[. From: .]
Ain’t got money, ain’t got no gas
But we’ll get where we’re goin’ if we swing real fast

I scream, you scream we all scream for her
Don’t even try ’cause you can’t ignore her
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie, oh yeah

She’s my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Looks so good bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie, yeah
Pie, yeah

Swing it
All night long
Swing it

I’m a trained professional
Swingin’ in the bathroom, swingin’ on the floor
Swingin’ so hard forgot to lock the door
In walk her daddy standin’ six foot four
Said, “You ain’t gonna swing with my daughter no more”

She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie, oh yeah
She’s my cherry pie


Put a smile on your face ten miles wide
Looks so good bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie, sweet cherry pie, yeah
Huh, swing it

I hope you enjoy it, and realize the importance of music in any aspect of life. In such away, you can also use music to express your feelings, just like what me and my husband usually do. It maybe sounds overly dramatize like a soap opera, but with two people who sincrely love to each other, there is no soap opera about it. Sweet Cherry Pie is how my husband thought about me.

Leaving Without Me-Why?

Sometimes, I asked myself why Mike decided to leave before I came. It made me feel so bad, so bad, but it is because maybe am selfish. Mike loves me so much that he and God decided to be home in heaven, before I also be home in our apartment. My heart is full of sorrow. My head aches. My body shivers. My spirit getting weak. How could I live without him. I saw no sunshine. The world is so dark.

I tried to sleep in the couch where I saw everyday, him sleeping while I was still in the Philippines, through Skype video. But I could not feel relax nor sleepy. Now, I moved to our room and lay down on the bed that he prepared for me, new one just for me and him. Yeah, my body is relax, but sleepiness is nowhere to find. I can’t sleep, tears are still falling. My Love, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

His true Love is all the reasons, why he left without me

Maybe, you could not understand, but I do. God knew that he really needs to go home. And he knew that I can’t handle it if I am there. He knew that I would never let him go. He don’t want me to cry . He still thinking the best thing for me even in the last breath of his life. Isn’t that sweet? He is so sweet, so careful of my feelings, and maybe that also be the reason why he cried. I saw tears running in his eyes, when I saw him. My Love, I will be fine, maybe right now, you saw me crying, and its because I am hurt. I LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH, but I will be fine. God will take good care of me.

In our apartment, he prepared me rice already, foods stocks for me, water purifier because he knew that I don’t like cold water. I have several clothes he bought, hanged already. New shower heads and everything that he thought I needed. God and him planned everything before He brought him home. My travels and everything. Even providing people to comfort me while I am in deep sorrow. Mike sister, brother, daughter Trish, son Marcus, grandchildren, family and friends are coming, ready to help me. God is so good. My husband is so nice. That must be one of his request before he agreed to go home. His love for me is only the reason why he left without me.

Right now, am trying to understand everything. Understanding would be the best way to lead me to acceptance. I saw the scenario of everything unexpectedly happened. I saw the planned sketches by God and him. All things work together for good to those who love God. God and Mike will help me to be strong. I know it in my heart. I just don’t know when I stop crying, even I somewhat understand it now.

I realize likewise, that if I was allowed to stay with him before it happened, really it would be very hard for me. Because I could see him every corner of this house, and remember always the things we surely do together. I can’t stand it. Imagining that I can’t handle laying down or look on the couch he used to sleep everyday, while waiting on my coming. He’s so nice. He do not want me to suffer to much while living in our apartment without him. He just wants me to remember the beautiful memories we had, while he was with me in the Philippines. God is so good for us. He gave us all the opportunity to be happy together before He brought Mike home. To be in each others. God is just always fair.

Its so wonderful to think how God made these things through. He planned everything so swiftly because time was so short. Mike is so wonderful husband that any woman could ask for. God made my life happy and complete through him, and am glad that Mike always told me that He is happy with me. His love for me is only the reason why he left me, and be with God without me.

All Things Work Together For Good

Few days from now would be our 1st Wedding Anniversary. Me and my husband have lots of plan about it. It would be a great event in our lives together as we thought. We count the days for that, even my coming here in his place. In my culture, counting days or planning things in advance, as if you control everything is not good. We called it “Nagbilang ng sisiw kahit itoy itlog pa, (counting chicks from an eggs. It might be true or it might not.

Many months ago, you did not hear me writing. It is because I was too occupied for my husband, rather than writing. He visited me in the Philippines, December 2010 to April 5, 2011. One time my husband asked me, “Why did you not writing articles anymore? Are you tired now?” I really do want to, but I have too many things to write that I don’t already know what comes first. I draft a lot, but nothing is finished. It was so nice to rather lay down with my husband, my head in his arms and talking lots of things, as if there is no more tomorrow. I felt like I miss him everyday, even he was just by my side.

During his stay with me, I made sure that I don’t let pass the every opportunity I got to tell him, how much I love him. I kiss him a lot and hug him tight, making sure that he really was with me. I cook him foods he likes and sometimes he did not like he he he, but he always choose to eat it, to not to hurt my feelings. He corrected my cooking, but most of the time we ate outside like in Mc Donald and other good restaurant. We really had a great time together. Very great.

We also stayed with my parents for 3 months. I knew, he almost can’t stand the climate in my place but he did for my sake, while waiting for my visa to get here in Arkansas. We prayed a lot, even some of my pastors help, to pray for the release of my visa, but time sometimes is unfair. He needs to come back without me for some serious reason. A month later, I got the visa and, I am now here in his apartment. He prepared this for me, with my dress he bought hanged in the dressing room. Our bed, my foods and everything he thought I needed.

I am now in our apartment, physically alone. My husband said goodbye with tears in his eyes. God took him already before I came. It is so sad. My heart bleeding badly. The Pain running from my sole, spine and throughout my body. It shaken me so hard. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to think, but just to cry. I don’t want to see anything. Just want to close my eyes, and yeah that made me felt better. The world is so dark. Families, friends and everyone coming and said, “It will be alright”. I know, just don’t know when.

I know how to survive, I mean I know in the other side of my mind, I can do it. Soooner I can, maybe? “God please help me” is the only thing I can think. And whispering to my heart, about how much I love my husband. I miss him terribly, but he needs to go to be free from pain. He’s hurting so much a long long time ago. God sets him free from suffering already. I know it hurts me, and to everyone that loved him, but we need to let him go with God. In heaven, he no more hurts, no more problems and no more suffering. Yeah, I should think that way. That’s the best thing for him to be truly happy. He has done things for me. He made the best thing for me already, even in the last beating of his heart. Honey, I love you so much.

In the new phase of my life, its again an adventure. I don’t know what lies ahead. But I know, God is just right here by my side. There is always light at the end of the darkness. What a lovely words from a certain song. All things work together for good to those who love God, who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) Before this thing happened, we already talked about it, that if something happens in our lives, we just think the purposes of God.

God made a way to bring me and Mike together again, and that was why our wedding on June 28, 2010 was done. Friends, pastors and families were so happy for us with that moment. I was so happy, because after 10 years that we been parted, our Lord held us together. Now, he is gone leaving me alone in this dark world. Would I say, it is still God’s plan? I will say yes, maybe I didn’t see the hint, but I know in my heart, God is too good to be mistaken. In Job 1:20, one of my favorites verses, it says how we came to this world. How God gave, and how He would take away everything. I still always praise God.

God, I love you so much. Thank you for giving Mike a place in heaven free from pains, problems and with perfect happiness. We are so happy that you held our lives together. Thank you for making me part of his life. He is the love of my life, the joy of my heart, and the very person that made my faith in you stronger. You are my Lord, the master of my fate. You know better that I am. Right now, I may in deep sorrow and pain, but I know you just here by my side. The pain is unbearable but with your blood I may heal, not instantly but I will. You are so good. All the time, you are good God.

Our first anniversary, he might not with me but in my heart, he is always will. God and him will celebrate that day with me. Honey, I miss you so much. I love you, Mike forever. I will not say goodbye, same way that you did not said goodbye on me. Never that you said goodbye on me. We will see each other my Love, in God’s time. I will take care of myself, Love because I know you do not want me to be sad and sorrow. I will be strong in the Lord.

False Alarm – Please Try Again Later

Another one of the best gifts that any woman could have from the Lord, is her ability to have a baby. It brings her happiness to see her own flesh, and to receive the bundle of joy which God has entrusted to her and her husband. Every woman should dream of giving birth either a baby boy or girl. Rarely is it that a woman would reject this opportunity, and do not want to have a baby.

After my wedding, of course, I fully expected to have a baby, especially considering my age, which is critical in the ability to get pregnant. I am older, and according to some medical explanations, a woman who is more than thirty can be experience a hard time bearing a child. What a sad theory, yet somehow Sarah, the wife of Abraham, got pregnant at the age of ninety, huh! Well, I am not saying that I am as blessed as Sarah, but then God is so merciful that He will bless His people according to His plan. Thus, having a baby despite of my age is under God’s control, and His will. Just keep on trying, (smile).

I was so excited in counting the days after my wedding since, because it was also the last day of menstruation. I was really expecting that I would get pregnant, especially since a month later I have no menstruation yet. I was VERY exited! However, it turned out I was just delayed for four or five days. I felt so sad and down when my period started. But guess what, even though I had my period, I wasn’t convinced yet that I was not really pregnant. I was still thinking that I had a baby, especially since I felt dizzy, nauseated and all the other feelings that I bear a child. I was so paranoid that time, that I even bought a pregnancy test pack. But oh! it was a negative result. Yeah, my step daughter is right. I was just stressful.

Getting pregnant is not easy, according to some experienced mothers. There are times that you will vomit, feel dizzy and other things that can be difficult for the expecting mother. My sisters told me that it is best to get pregnant when your husband is going to be there for the whole time. Patricia, my husband’s daughter told me told me the same thing. That was so comforting somehow with all my depression and frustration after knowing that I was not pregnant. Moreover, I am still, and will always be, thankful to God despite of the negative result. Maybe, its not about time yet to have a baby. Only God knows the best for me and for my husband.

“False alarm!”, that was what I called it. But I will never lose hope on my dream to have a baby. As long as you still have your monthly period, and some extra care of yourself; the possibility of getting pregnant is very much possible. Friends and some articles giving information about how to get pregnant are a good source for study, on getting into it. Such as eating the right food, proper exercise, diet and even taking pills that may protect and develop the womb to make it easier to pregnant.

Never give up your longing to have your own baby. That is the very essence of a woman. Anyhow, if you’re not able to, do not question or blame God. In everything there is a reason. If it is not meant for you to get pregnant, it’s does not mean that you are not blessed. It just means God has a different purpose for your life. He is too right to be mistaken, too good to be unkind to you.

Keep On Trying!!!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Courtship, The Second Time Around

Some said, “love is sweeter in a second time around”. Well, it seems so, but it was not the reason why I accepted Mike again to come in to my life. There are many things that I have to consider, and one is the sign that I had been asked from God. It is the thing I told God just between me and Him, to determine a man whom I could love and live the rest of my life.

As what I’ve mentioned on my first article titled,”How Love Finds Our Way”, Mike was married to another woman. And take note that was so painful and unbearable to me. But why I accepted him?

Just like what I’ve said also that even Mike married with another woman, I could not find myself angry and upset on him. Instead, all my understanding, empathy and love remains for him. Do not ask me why, and I could not explain either. Anyhow, it still not the reason why I accepted him.

About March, Mike filed a divorce to his wife, and at the same time trying to win my heart back. Of course, I never say yes to him right away. That was a hard time for me to think. That was actually a battle between my heart and mind. Should I follow my heart and be willing to be hurt again? Or should I be wise with my decision. Turn down Mike, and live peacefully? Or give him a chance? Never that I come into a rush decision. I should be wise this time, I told myself.

Added to that, I was in an eight years relationship. I don’t need to mention his name. But he knew that I was dedicated and committed to him. We were not just meant for each other anyhow for sure. Thanks for him that he was just understanding. I hope, he will find his true happiness someday, somehow.

Well, Mike sent me gifts and all, but these things still not give me enough reason to accept him yet. However, on the first or second week of April, I finally come into a decision to let Mike come in, and love him again. I got a clear message about the sign that I had asked God to give on me. I was so excited, and right away I have no hesitation to say, I love you, Mike. Maybe, because of that sign, and also the feelings that just hidden after so many years.

And so, we decided to get married after finally the divorce case was approved. Planning to get married was in a rush, but somehow in a perfect moment. Everyone was happy and excited since no one is expecting me to get married that soon. Everyone said, “oh, I never seen you having a date or heard that you have a boyfriend”, and I was just smiling back on them. It was really a great surprise from God.

As you can see on our wedding photos, you will notice a big smile from the people attended our wedding, and of course on me. No one ever imagine, but yeah we were so happy. No doubt. God bless us all. Until the next issue.

How Love Finds Our Way

(Love is stronger than death (Song of Solomon 8:6-7, I Corinthians 13- Love never fails)

Have you heard about a love story of Romeo and Juliet? We have our own version, only that we end up with joy. Romeo and Juliet is a tragic story. They both died because of their “Love”. But with our love, God is working in behalf of us, since circumstances are beyond our control.

When you are patient enough to wait the fulfillment of God’s plan in your life, you will definitely receive a rewarding surprise, according to your desire. It maybe sometimes take a long time before it happen but when it is given, everything turns out amazing. You can’t just realize it, until you are overwhelm with happiness.

I met my husband, Mike sometimes of September 2000 through a dating service. At first it was just a try or experimental. It never comes into my mind that it would become real or romantic. We exchanged emails, chat and phone calls every morning in my office. I was fallen in-love with a romantic guy, who is from the other side of the world. The scenario goes like that way. And I was floating in clouds with rainbow.

But one day, when everyone tries to against our happiness, my world was falling apart. Few of my friends that I considered friend are maybe getting jealous with the love we had, and that they made false story about me. And probably it affects our romance. That’s what I believed at first, but when Mike explains his part, the story is different all together. However, it was too late because he was married with other woman. I guess, I don’t need to mention her name in respect to her. 

My world was shattered in that time he married. I was so hurt, but then I understand. There is no hatred or anger that I could find in my heart, except understanding for him. His wife sent pictures to me of their wedding, and even family pictures during those 10 years that they lived together. And I was sincerely happy for them. The pictures seemed to be telling me that they perfectly happy together. But that’s her side of the story.

However, when I chatted Mike sometimes of 2006, he told me about his life with his wife. I was hurt again because that is not what I wish to happen to him and Marcus, his son. What I ever wanted for them is to live with peace, contentment and happiness. Yet, that is life. You can’t ask everything. Anyway, I kept on praying for them, that the family will be getting well. I advise Mike to accept his wife as she is. Never did I pray that they would fall apart. But like I said before, when God has plan for you, He will definitely make it. Glad it is not too late for us.

As time went by, and I was just open for Mike, for whatever things he wanted to share with me. Giving him advise, greeting when there is occasion and all through out 10 years we never stop communicating each other. But it doesn’t mean that we play or make things that against God. We were just friends all over 10 years. His wife knew that because sometimes we also chatted. We were also friends anyway, until the beginning of January or February 2010.

Anyway, to make the story short. I accepted Mike again around March, and by April we decided to get married right after he got his divorce. I think there is no way anymore that his marriage will be saved. Some people knew why. And for sure, they could understand us.

Anyhow, we are now happy with our married life. Though we temporarily apart because of the laws and all, but someday soon, we could be together again. God united us. Made our dreams come true and just fulfilled our hearts desires. He knew what I’ve prayed, and God also knew what Mike prayed for too. We never have regreted whatever happened into our lives. Instead, it made our love stronger, and made our hearts more accepting and understanding to each other. We are both happy and we hope, people whom we both love can understand us also, accept us without hesitation and will just be happy for us.

Okay, guys thanks for reading. Wait for the other parts of our love life. God bless you all.